Guilt & pain

How have we all been?
I’m currently in bed, over joyed that my little one is back to sleeping through the night again rather than her waking at 3:30am fun she was doing recently! Unfortunately not a lot can be said about my sleep.. I seem to wake up every half hour and then try to get comfy for half hour.. Then the same routine again, and again! Which as I’m sure you are aware.. Isn’t fun! It’s leaving me tired and even more down in the dumps with this pain as I’m exhausted and in a great deal of pain try to entertain my nearly three year old!

I have restored to doing a lot of sticker books with her, or just sticking stickers on a page! She loves it, and will actually sit still and do this! She isn’t much of a grade A at sitting still.. But stickers seem to be one thing that she doesn’t mind sitting to do! It’s fab because it means she can sit beside me on the sofa and do it, so I’m semi comfortable.. And she’s not running about like a looney while I sit and feel useless because I can’t chase her about the house and so forth like I normally would have done! I have been quite impressed at how well she is able to find where what sticker goes and how precise she is at putting it down the right way and covering all the white! She will have several attempts to make sure she gets it just right! She’s such a wee star, fingers crossed she keeps it up when this baby comes πŸ™‚

I’m starting to feel really guilty, but I’m sure it’s probably normal.. I’m in a great deal of pain at the moment with this spd, I have constant pain all night and all day, even if I take painkillers. So what’s the point in taking them if they will only make the pain go a tiny bit and will also mean that baby will be dependant on them and I will have an extremely grouchy baby! If they made me pain free I would probably be more willing to take them, but they don’t, I still can’t do much when I take them, so what’s the point! Anyway.. I feel guilty because instead of counting down the days/weeks until baby is here, I’m now counting down until the pain is gone.. I’m feeling more excited about the pain going away than my baby being here :/ I’m sure it’s normal for people who have suffered from this or some other pain … Or at least I hope because I’m starting to feel really mean! I’m really beating myself up about it at the moment and can’t seem to rid the thought from my mind, it’s terrible.. This is meant to be an exciting time where it all slows down because baby is coming soon and because you just can’t wait to have your baby! Time has slowed down for me because if no one comes round, I’m stuck in the house all day, I’m sick and tired of this pain, I literally am tired of this pain because it is preventing me from sleeping and I am constantly exhausted.. I’ll probably get more sleep when the baby is actually here and this pain has gone!

Also walking about like a flipping penguin and getting people looking at me funny isn’t the nicest of things.. Went to the shopping centre today to get some food and so forth.. Took me nearly triple the time to walk through the place than normal! Ahh!!

I have been signed off work, so there is so much I want to do around the house… Nesting is really kicking in! Wanna know the worst part about it… I can’t blooming do anything! Putting a wash on/sorting a wash is a very long processes at the moment as I have to stop several times because of pain! A task that would normally take 2 minutes now takes about an hour… An hour to sort and put a wash on.. Joys. I want to be sorting my little girls room and going through all the baby stuff to see if we need anything more and going out to buy all pretty paints and getting excited about painting new rooms… But I just can’t get excited about it.. Infact, it upsets me even thinking about doing those things.. Because I physically can’t paint, or sort.. And with going to choose the paint, hey that will be another trip out with pain involved! Though j suppose sitting in the house in pain, or going out isn’t much different!

I think it’s quite hard for someone who hasn’t been in this position to understand what it’s like .. To be going from being able to do everything, to near enough nothing. It’s actually really upsetting, and if I beat myself up about it and blame myself much more.. I’m gonna end up locking myself in a room till this baby is here and hiding from the world! I have a funny feeling though it’s going to make me even more protective of the baby and letting people hold him, just because it will have been such a long awaited thing to get him out so I can be pain free and because *fingers crossed* I’ll finally be able to do stuff again and will want to do it all after having felt so useless recently!

.. Anyway I’ll stop ranting as I can hear my little girl awakening and seeing as it takes me a long time to get it of bed.. I may as well start before she starts shouting!!
I hope your all better than me!
Love; WeeOhana x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s