Something horrible has been taking control of me recently, and its guilt. An over load of guilt.
I can’t help but think of what has caused all this for Dylan.
Did my body mess up his growing?
Did I hold him too much?
Did I not hold him enough?
Was it the co-codamol I took when pregnant because I couldn’t walk?
Is it because he was formula fed?
Should I have tried breastfeeding?
Did I not stimulate him enough as a baby?
.. there is such a long list and I could go on forever.
I keep going over everything in my head, every single little thing.
In reality there is no single thing known to cause Autism, but I think it is natural as a parent to think over and over again what you could have done different that may have changed the outcome.
I’m trying to overcome this guilt as quickly as I can, but as soon as I think I am taking a step forward, I seem to fall backwards into this silly way of thinking.
Baby steps though, I don’t want to force myself to get over this and then it hit me like a ton of bricks in the future when I think it is gone..
Anyway.. small little post today about guilt!
Is there anything you feel guilty about?