Verbal; but not happy.

Recently I have been finding things really tough..
Obviously I am over-joyed by Dylan’s progress, being able to know the names of colours and to say the sounds for the majority of the letters in the alphabet, don’t get me wrong, that’s incredible.
I’m really proud that he can do these new things and that I can hear his voice, but it is still not communication with another human.
It’s also slightly odd to celebrate your child’s first word when it isnt a sterotypical first word. As parents you always discuss when they are babies and they are growing up.. ohh will they say mummy or daddy first and you always have a little sort of joke and competition about it. (Even though we all know dada is likely to be the first as it’s the easiest to say!)

My child’s first word though, was “brown” he loves saying it and he gets so excited and is really pleased with himself when he knows the colours of things, but its tough.
As a parent, your heart always flutters when your little one calls out for you, be it mum, mummy, dad or whatever name they have for you. It’s special and you will always recognise when its your child calling for you even if you are in a park with lots of children shouting it at the same time.
Don’t get me wrong, I will automatically recognise Dylan’s little voice even if it is just shouting out colours; I mean I don’t think I have ever heard a child be so excited over colours or the alphabet before, but he really loves them.
He loves me and I know that he does, he shows it to me in other ways but I still just strive to hear him call me “mummy.” In reality, no one knows when this will be. It could be tomorrow, or it could be months and months away.

Though I also feel very guilty for feeling like this, I should be so ecstatic that he can do this, its incredible clever, wonderful and I can finally hear his voice.
I shouldn’t be letting my own selfish needs to be called mummy cast a shadow over this moment. Unfortunately though I just can’t shake the feeling niggling away at the back of my mind.
I think also with some people saying things like “oh that’s great, he is going to be fine now!” is just really bugging me. How does this make him fine? Yes, he can tell you what colour your pencil is if he wants to, or what letters you have printed on your top, but he can’t tell you how he is feeling, what he wants, or what’s annoying him. It is still all a huge guessing game for me, one that is extremely exhausting mentally and physically.

I think one of the hardest things about this all is the unknown. There is no book, rules, or general things that they all do at a certain age or time.
Unlike with my daughter she had milestones to meet between certain ages and the majority of children do these things in the ages set down.. but Dylan and other children like him.. it’s all the unknown, there isn’t any milestones he should reach at a certain age it’s just all about going with him, working with him and whatever he does next we will celebrate greatly, but what is it that we will be celebrating next, no body really knows and I think the unknown is a very scary thing for the majority of people.


2 thoughts on “Verbal; but not happy.

  1. Sounds to be pretty reasonable feelings that you have. Don’t feel guilty about it about it at all. You are doing an amazing job. It’s okay to feel frustrated or down. I would be just as emotional confused as you feel if I was in your shoes. Remember you are an amazing, compassionate mother who does anything and everything for their children and they are the luckiest kids in the world.
    Maybe it won’t ever be straight forward in being able to predict and know what’s going to happen next but you know what isn’t that how life is anyway, one messy journey that we have to go with the flow a lot of the time. Life would would be boring if everything when to plan or followed a routine 24/7 100% of the time. Though I hope things do become less stressful and unsettling as they are right now. Always remember the victories and no point dwelling on the regrets or negatives cause you can’t change them so it’s a waste of precious energy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve just gotten the chance to explore this site… I’ve been writing since November-ish, but I haven’t read anyone’s posts, or even customized my page (how the heck do I even do that?? lol). I hope you don’t mind, I’ve been exploring your page, and reading through some of your posts. I can relate so much to this one. My son was talking one day, and my mom was like “See? he’s smart. He’s not autistic.” Oh, because clearly if he’s smart, he can’t have autism *insert eyeroll here*
    How old is your boy? I understand being grateful for the things they do and say, but it’s impossible to not feel some sort of sadness, and then of course the obligatory guilt for said sadness. Have you read “welcome to holland?” It’s about being a special needs parent. It’s really beautiful, and really explains the feelings behind being a special needs mom.

    Liked by 1 person

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