11

Guilt.

Something horrible has been taking control of me recently, and its guilt. An over load of guilt.

I can’t help but think of what has caused all this for Dylan.
Did my body mess up his growing?
Did I hold him too much?
Did I not hold him enough?
Was it the co-codamol I took when pregnant because I couldn’t walk?
Is it because he was formula fed?
Should I have tried breastfeeding?
Did I not stimulate him enough as a baby?
.. there is such a long list and I could go on forever.
I keep going over everything in my head, every single little thing.

In reality there is no single thing known to cause Autism, but I think it is natural as a parent to think over and over again what you could have done different that may have changed the outcome.
I’m trying to overcome this guilt as quickly as I can, but as soon as I think I am taking a step forward, I seem to fall backwards into this silly way of thinking.

Baby steps though, I don’t want to force myself to get over this andย then it hit me like a ton of bricks in the future when I think it is gone..

Anyway.. small little post today about guilt!
Is there anything you feel guilty about?

WeeOhana x

 

 

0

Family Walk!

On mothers day we went for a lovely little walk around Londonderry Park. It is simply beautiful! Dylan fell fast asleep in the car on the way over though so he had a nice nap in the fresh air in his pram while we enjoyed exploring the world around us!

Londonderry Park is a lovely little park in Newtownards. It has a fantastic play park, football pitches, cricket nets and lots of other things along with a walk around the outside of the park which has some lovely flowers and lots of space to run in which my little girl just adores! She is very much an outdoors person!

We started off with the walk around the outside of all the things they have available there, she had great fun climbing up the trees and looking at the flowers! Which were in perfect bloom!

She then had to find a stick to have a battle with her daddy, she picked herself a lovely strong stick.. and he got stuck with a very febal one that broke quickly.. but who could say no to that little face!

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After enjoying a great walk around, watching the planes that had just taken off above us and being bombarded with a zillioin questions about everything under the sun her and daddy headed off to play in the park while I walked a little further with a still fast asleep Dylan and a small and very fluffy dog! I thought she would be suitably tired after a big walk and a play in the park but nope.. she wanted to do the walk again, so off we went for a second time!
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It was a lovely trip out, filled with lots of questions, play, laughs, running about and many reminders about why I just love being a mum. โค

Weeohana x

14

Being Positive is Tough!

As a parent you are expected to always be positive, happy go-lucky and love everything that you do in your life that involves your kids. When you are with you kids or even around other kids, or any human really you are expected to have a smile, have lots of gossip to share and happy stories. Is parenting really all positive and great fun though? A simple answer no; no it isn’t.

Being a mum, a parent is really tough. I am currently a stay at home mum andย  it is really tough, tougher than most jobs. You have to have a smile, willingness to do arts & crafts, answer 1000 questions, wipe bums, make snacks, do baking, colour, read books, play pretend, cook dinner, recook dinner as they changed their mind, and many other things.. all on a daily basis. You have to do all this while doing a dance or singing or whatever other thing your child enjoys and when they eventually go to bed and fall asleep you’re so mentally exhausted from keeping up this positive persona that you yourself are exhausted or you end up just sitting watching some mind numbing program on T.V.

Then when you see friends, especially friends who have children you are expected to gush to each other over how wonderful you children are, what new things they have learnt and just why they are simply amazing. All while showing them the latest pictures you have snapped of them, for your friend to then tell you how beautiful and wonderful your child and you do the same to them about their child. Just being honest here, but as much as I love my kids, I would love to not have to gush over them especially if I’m with a friend. In-fact I would love to be able to be open and tell them how I am really feeling, the struggles, share the lows as well as the highs. Recently though anytime I have mentioned a low to anyone they always come back with “Oh it will be fine”, “You never know, it will all be OK I bet” and all that positive cack. Now, I am one for trying to keep upbeat about all that I have going on but some-days I want to have a moan and a cry about how tough it is, and I want to have a friend who will talk to me like it is real life; For them to help me accept what is going on in my life. To help me accept it rather than fill my head with fluffy nonsense and denial.

I’m going through a lot with my family at the moment and I have really realized who is there for you and who just wants to be your friend when it suits them. I have lost several friends recently, but hey. There loss right? I told a friend once we had been to the CDC clinic about Dylan how it had went, that they would need to discuss special schools etc next time we went back as he was too young .. her reply “Can we please talk about something positive?” … I know right! Well I just didn’t reply. It really upset me, when I needed a friend to chat to and really let my feelings out too, they blew me off. Acted like I was complaining about a stubbed toe or something. There we go though, that’s another example of why being positive and why being expected to be positive is tough. I’m sure any parent could see how this would be a hard, upsetting and life changing thing for me, but yet my friend still expected me to be positive? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t make sense to me.

So next time you see a friend,your partner, your parent whoever it is you normally talk too, tell them how it really is.If your finding something tough tell them, if you need someone to rant, rave or cry at. Do it! Please do not hold it in. If you don’t have someone you feel comfortable to do that with, I’m here. I’ll be your someone to rant,rave and cry at. Don’t be afraid. Head to my Facebook page and message me and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. I hate to think of people holding all there true feelings in, these emotions and words that need out; let them out. Your mental health is very important, and if you go around always being positive, one day it will catch up with you, trust me.

I asked a few of my blogger friends; Why do you think being positive all the time is hard? Here is how they answered! =]

Amy who blogs at The smallest of things said- “Because sometimes they push me until I’m hanging over the edge!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
(kids sure do have a good knack at doing that don’t they! They always know the right (or wrong buttons to press)

Jemma who blogsย here said- “It’s just so draining. It’s like wearing your fake smile for people you don’t like. You only have to do that for a little while if you see them, but with your kids it’s 12 hours a day-non stop!
Don’t get me wrong there are genuine positive moments but the majority aren’t true and soooooo tiring!
(I couldn’t agree more! That fake smile has to constantly be there. It isn’t fun always having to play pretend!)

Samantha at Porridge and Parenting answered- “Because it’s impossible to be positive 24/7. You could be the happiest person in the world whose glass is always half full but that is unsustainable all day every day for the rest of your life and essentially you are a parent all day every day for the rest of your life.”
(Too right, it is impossible! One day it will wear you thin if you keep up the act!)

Helen from mumatron says “I think it’s hard because it’s unnatural. It’s more normal to show a range of emotions.”
(It sure is! We were given emotions to show them, not to try and disguise them as this wonderful happy, positive person when we are feeling quite the opposite sometimes!)

Sarah who blogs at Whimsical Mumblings replied with- “I broke down into tears the other day in front of my children, and felt SO guilty. It’s hard not to show these emotions as well as they good ones. I honestly don’t think we should hide them though! Show your little ones it’s ok to express your emotions.”
(Don’t feel guilty Sarah, like you say yourself it is important for our little ones to see all the emotions that we have and understand that we can show them whenever we need to)

 

Do you find there is anything you feel you have to be positive about when you really don’t feel that way all the time?
WeeOhana xx

 

 

5

Hearing & Doubts..

I am never going to take either of my children to a hearing test again… though lets start from the start of a very eventful day.

The night before I hardly slept, so many thoughts running through my head. Worries,wonders,what ifs, hows and all those lovely thoughts us parents are subjected too. His appointment also wasn’t until the afternoon, so I filled the morning the best I could to keep myself and him busy. Why though when you want time to go fast it goes slower than you ever thought possible!ย  We started off having a little look in shops and picking something up for dinner then we decided to head to a forest park for a little walk!
When we pulled up to the park, he decided it was the perfect time to fall asleep so I enjoyed the peace. Peace from the outside I suppose though as I was having a million thoughts a minutes that ended up with a really sore head.. typical. When he woke up we went for a little walk around the forest, he thoroughly enjoyed himself and so did I.

Then it was on-wards to his appointment. How downhill it went from there, the waiting room was full. Every seat was taken and lots of children running about and shouting. Not something I particularly enjoy and neither does he, as soon as we went in he couldn’t handle it. Bright light, lots of people, noise, banging, and pushing. I set him on my lap and talked to him gently in his ear to try and keep him settled the best I could, unfortunately it was all just too much. (He has started to hit himself in the mouth with his hand when he is distressed) On the outside and to onlookers he seemed calm at the start until he started doing this and I was trying to stop him. He kept going and going and more people started to look and one child asked there mum why he was doing it, then he did it so hard he ended up making his mouth bleed, and not even just a little bit. I scooped him up and went on the search for the bathroom to clean him and myself up, so that when we went into the hearing test he would be calm and ready to do whatever they needed. As soon as I had him cleaned up I heard his name being called so off we went down the hallway to see how his hearing was.

It was going lovely, they started with him sitting on my knee and then they rang bells behind him and lots of other things making strange noises and he turned to the majority of them and stilled to others, it was all going so well! The lady told me she was satisfied with his hearing and that he definitely didn’t have any severe hearing problems but she wanted to do another test just to make sure.. little did I know this was more a form of torture.. I had to hold him still while she poked this thing into his ear and did a test. He did not like this one bit, neither did I. He screamed, cried, kicked, bit.. it was horrific. I calmed him down when we left got into the car and he was laughing and smiling, but I had to have a cry. I felt horrible, thought he would hate me .. but he had forgotten about it. Little does he know that she wants me to take him back in three months as she couldn’t do that test properly as he was screaming so loud.. I am not looking forward to that.

Great news is that he isn’t deaf.. though I can’t quite decide if it is great news..
I keep thinking that if he was deaf there are so many things that they can do to solve this, and ahh.. I’m really finding this all so difficult to handle. I suppose that is natural though right? I’m trying to keep my head above water, with a happy face ..I don’t know how swell I’m doing at that part.. its hard to keep yourself a float and everyone else as well.. its tough, its really tough. I must keep going.. on a positive note, we got his appointment for the child developmental team and it is on the 9th of November! So a lot sooner than I expected. which is great news! Less time to over think.. though panic because its so soon!
Answers, or at least some guidance and support is what I need right now. I need to know what I am doing with him is right, that I’m not a terrible mother and it isn’t all my fault.. though I’m not sure those feelings will ever budge..

WeeOhana xxx

2

Delamont Park

Today we had a lovely family day out, and you are from Northern Ireland or are over here visiting I really suggest visiting Delamont Park! It’s just a thirty minute drive from Belfast center and a five minute drive from Downpatrick It’s also a very affordable day out, we have found that many places you will go and visit cost rather a lot of money for a family of four to get in, but to get into Delamont Park was a tiny amount of ยฃ4. Which is amazing considering all that is there!

There are several different walks and are all sign posted and you also get a map whenever you go into the park which shows you where the routes go, how long they are and what you can find along the way! We opted for one of the shorter walks because we had the children with us, and we didn’t fancy having to carry little miss around the walk when her legs got tired! We went for the 4km walk, there are ones which are also shorter than this and also longer so there is a walk for everyone to do! The only thing I would say is that on the map you are given it doesn’t give you any sort of idea of the terrain, the path was excellent and very easy to push a pram along, though is very stony. I think having our baby jogger GT made it easier to push with the big wheels I’m not sure how easy a pram with slandered wheels would have been to push! My little girl found it a little difficult as a lot was uphill which we hadn’t really thought about, but she kept going with a bit of encouragement! She particularly loved seeing the sheep along the way and stopped at every one to try and entice them over with some grass..this didn’t go in her favor! Along the walk were some incredible views, and things to stop at. Several little stone beaches, a bird watching area, and many more but we were enjoying the walk so much we didn’t stop at these things, though I will make a point of ensuring we do this when we go back!

When we first arrived we started with our picnic, there was so many benches and open bits of grass to sit on so lots of space for whenever it is busy to enjoy you picnic without many around you! My little one was eager to sit on the grass and have hers, so this is what we did and had some lovely little sandwiches before we headed off on our adventure! #

After our walk we went on this wonderful little train which is designed to look like Thomas, it runs along a 1KM track and was really enjoyable! The little ones loved being on a train and really enjoyed it and I took in some of the wonderful views around while really cherishing the time we were spending together!

Next stop was the play park, what little ones don’t love parks right! Well this is one that is truly going to be enjoyed by any park lover. It is just wonderful, lots of wonderful wood climbing frames, slides, puzzles and much more. I really liked that they had a climbing frame for all ages! There was a big and a little one like you would find in more parks, but also a medium sized one too, which my little girl really enjoyed. She likes the big ones but wants you to go up them with her and with it being a bit busy, I wasn’t for climbing up with her and getting in the way of everyone! She went off and enjoyed the big one for a short while but wanted to play with her brother so spent a lot of the time on the little one with him, which was great as there was no one else on it! There was also a zip wire which she really enjoyed. As well as there being some great climbing frames/ balancing things/slides etc there was also a lot of open space to run about. My little boy really liked this as he likes to just potter about and explore the world around him rather than climbing on climbing frames and going on swings etc!

 

Beside the park there was also one of those metal gyms that are becoming increasingly popular, and there are also some of the single gym items placed along the walks too! Just in-case you were wanting to go there to jog/workout ..

We ended our day by then going out for dinner and coming home and having a lovely bath! Both the kids are now fast asleep in bed, and we are just about to settle down to watch a move! All in all we had a fantastic day and will be back to Delamont Park very soon; in fact we enjoyed it so much we are going to get the season pass so we will be visiting it many more times! I will let you know if we find anything else about in Delamont Park that we think is a must see while there.. but for now, you should really go there, enjoy the peace, views, beauty and nature. Oh & the park and the train if you have little ones with you!

Let me know if you go for a visit and what you think! =]

WeeOhana xx

 

0

Leaps?

We all find different things useful and some babies take dislikes or likes to what others like! Children are all individuals, even when they are little tiny newborns! People seem to think that they have to follow certain routines, do certain things and even follow a line of weigh gain! To me, this is madness! My little man will roll over when he wants, talk when he wants, cry when he wants and weigh as much as he wants! In a group that I am in people are even obsessed with this “Leap” thing.. now I don’t know much about it.. but they are all hooked on the idea that there babies go through certain leaps at certain ages and they last for a said amount of time. For example they are mainly all going through “leap 4”? at the moment! I don’t have a clue what it means, but from reading what they say.. it basically means there baby cries constantly with nothing settling them.. they blame this all on leap 4. Some of them seem to be going crazy asking others for advice on what to do… my advice.. cuddle them, show them a toy, take them for a walk, change there nappy, give them some more milk.. or all the normal things that we try! They always come back with.. no they had milk an hour ago, nappy just changed they just wont stop crying.. to me this sounds crazy that they haven’t tried more milk! It to me is what I go to after trying all of the above, and generally it works straight away and he goes fast asleep! Babies can be hungry whenever they want, they are growing in all ways and that takes a lot of work! They all seem to think that there babies can only eat every four hours and will not be hungry again. Madness, right? Maybe because they have got these ideas planted in there minds, and thoughts they are obsessing and then stressing out about it so the baby then picks up on the bad vibes and upset of there mummies so it upsets them! I don’t know.. Do any of you guys follow this leap idea? Care to enlighten me about it! Do you agree that all babies should do the same things, at the same time and follow the weight & height “line”? Am I just extremely lucky that for the past few weeks my baby boy hasn’t been screaming his head off all the time without anything comforting him?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

WeeOhana x

0

Cuties!

I am so excited and loving the connection that my little girl already has with my bump! I thought with her only being 2 (3 in October) that she wouldn’t really understand it at all, though at times I think she has a better understanding than my hubby! ๐Ÿ˜›

Most mornings she comes in says good morning to me and then will proceed to cuddle my tummy and say good morning to baby! She is convinced she can see baby through my belly button, and will sing to baby, talk, and ask question to baby through my belly button. It is adorable and always makes me and the hubby smile! She will lay on my bump when baby is Kicking and laugh away as baby kicks her little head, then will tell baby off for kicking mummy in the tummy!

At the moment I am finding it hard when bending down and all the simple things.. So My little girl always laughs and says baby is making you sore mummy, he is growing in your tummy with his blood. I find this a great little understanding she has, as she knows that a baby is growing in my tummy and yes like everyone else baby will have blood inside! She tells me about how she grew in my tummy and that she left her toys so baby can play win them, she finds great comfort in knowing that baby has toys to play with, if you suggest that baby is just floating about she gets quite distressed and upset about how baby will be scared then!

I don’t think I give her enough credit, she will often come off with things or tell me things that I would never expect her to know, like that people have blood in them, baby’s are delicate, she said to my hubby one day about how she would like a construction toy and this blew his mind! It’s not a normal world for such a little character to know right? Where has she picked this word up from, I would say we never say that word in this house because well.. It’s an odd word to use in a daily context, or at least I think so anyway! There is many others but now that I’m trying to think of them I can’t remember, which seems to happen far to much for my liking!

I work as a classroom assistant and find some of the things the kids come off with adorable, and they always know how to make you smile! The kids I work with are in P6 here, so they are 9 coming 10. One of the girls came up to me when we were out in the playground and said to me so seriously “Mrs, I have a question for you, over the summer did you get pregnant?” I felt like replying, no .. I just ate all the pies! Lol! But I did say to her yes I am, she leaped with joy and gave me a giant hug and it made me feel so lovely! She then carried on to say I’m glad that you just aren’t fat now because that would have been embarrassing, but I think your going to be a great mum, I would love you to be my mum. How adorable can little ones be? Obviously this made me smile and made my day ๐Ÿ™‚ then the other day a boy in my year opened the door and said “beauty before the beast and obviously your the beauty” how sweet is that? More so because it seemed just like a genuine thing for him to say, there was no back reason to why he said it, he didn’t want anything from me, it was just a genuine compliment ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway; must dash!!
WeeOhana xx