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Feeling Strange..

I’m still feeling slightly strange about the whole thing, I’m not really sure how I feel about it. I suppose because we have been told by so many professionals in the past two years that Dylan is autistic but they just couldn’t officially diagnosis it we were very ready to get the day over and done with when it all became official.

When we were told at the diagnosis I didn’t know if I wanted to do a happy dance that we had finally got it all over and done with and could now move forward or cry that it was official and that the others hadn’t all been mistaken.

At the moment I’m feeling pretty numb to feelings I suppose. Sort of floating like I’m not too sure what to think of it all, trying to process it all and gather my thoughts but this week has been crazy with appointments and I really haven’t had time to process it before having more things thrown at me that I’m trying to process too.. life is not easy being a mum!
I am sure I will catch a break shortly and be able to think it all through but for now I’m keeping on going and making sure that everything is going right for my kids and that my hubby is happy.

When going through things like this communication is key, he knows if he feels unhappy, or anything at all that I am here for him no matter what and I know that he is there for me too.
Our kids are our world, but obviously these things take time to process and adjust too. We will get there together and be stronger than ever before, because if we don’t communicate through this all we will fall apart.

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Dear Husband..

Dear Husband;
You are simply amazing. I don’t tell you often enough how wonderful you are, how strong you keep us as a family unit and just how much I love you. This past year has been a very tough one for our family, life changing things have appeared that we never thought we would have to face. We have faced some real challenge as a couple learning to accept the things that have been thrown in our path. I feel that we are now a lot stronger than we were before, and we will continue to build up skywards, together.

I must admit at the start of all this we grew apart, drastically. It really scared me, I didn’t know how I would make it through all this without you by my side as support. I thought we were going down a long and horrible road, and we were going to have to do it apart. All of this coupled with my issues that I have, has been extremely scary, I felt very low and because of this started to push you even further away and I honestly don’t know how you stuck by my side. You didn’t deserve it, and it made us argue, disagree, row and everything else a happily married couple should not do. It was horrible, I hated myself more and more, but I just couldn’t get out of that rut. I still find some days tough and I’m sure you do too, even though being a manly man that you are you don’t admit it.

I am so glad now that we are stronger than we have ever been and that we tackling everything thrown at us together. You are my best friend, my soul mate, my shoulder to cry on, my companion, the one who laughs at my stupid jokes, helps me spell silly words that I just can’t grasp, you make me smile when it has been tough day, cuddle me when there just isn’t any words to explain what I am feeling or what is going on in my head. You make the world seem a little less scary, you hold my hand when times are tough, you help me relax when things are getting on top of me, you guide me when I just can’t guide myself, you make me feel beautiful even when I am wearing the same clothes that I had on when you left for work, you give me the confidence to carry on, you give me the strength to keep my head above water when it feels like I could so easily slip under and you make me feel loved; when I just can’t understand how anyone could.

I really can’t thank you enough for all that you do, you accepted me for who I am and took both me and my wonderful daughter under your wing and treat us like royalty (most of the time ;]) You are the greatest father I could ask for my children. You always put them first and make sure they are happy and have everything they could ever dream of.
We all really love you and couldn’t do this without you.
You, are simply incredible.
My 1 in 7 billion.
My best friend.
My husband.

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Soft Play & Lunch

This weekend I was feeling brave, so as my hubby was working I decided to brave a little soft play that is close to us.. I thought with it being a Sunday morning it would have been pretty quiet and would hopefully let me little man come round to it ok before it got to busy and that my little girl could waste some of her every lasting energy that she seems to run on! It is a pretty nice little soft play area it has a little bit for little ones, then has the bigger part for all the bigger ones to run around in, which is good though is that the bigger part isn’t that big and you can see it all from the smaller bit. I feel a lot happier when being there with the both of them by myself as it means I can keep an eye on them both.. though generally my little girl is running about talking and yelling in full volume so I normally hear her first!

When we first got there it wasn’t as quiet as I expected. I had told my little girl that we would stay at least half an hour, but if little man really didn’t like it after that we would have to go and we would do arts and craft when we got home. It took him a while to settle down, but with a bit of encouragement,persuasion, and letting him settle down in his own time, he started to enjoy himself. It only took twenty minutes.. the stares were there, the judgement from others was but I ignored the glares and judgement and kept myself calm to help calm him. It was tough to ignore them, but I had to not only for my little boy but also so that my wonderful ball of energy princess could waste some energy too!

I put him down the slide but he was starting to get unsettled again, he came over and took my hand and walked me over to the ball pit. At first I really didn’t want to get in and tried to persuade him to go in by himself.. but he really wasn’t happy. I decided again to ignore all the looks and get into the ball pit so that he would enjoy himself! Every child deserves to enjoy themselves! When I had decided I was there for my two to have fun, I just forgot everyone around us and had fun!

img_2302-2The ball pit was super and he would have stayed in there all day!
img_2297-1We then ventured up to the bigger part and took on the bridges/wobbly floors/bigger slides etc. He had so much fun, though he wasnt to convinced that the bridge was safe by the looks of that face!

We all lasted the full two hours! It was wonderful, and something I will have to do again with them whenever I am feeling brave and like I could take on the world despite all the looks! I guess it is something I am just going to have to get used too, one step at a time I will learn to deal with this!

When we left he went to sleep in the car on the way home, so me and my little girl decided that we would pop to the cafe close to our house and enjoy a “girly” lunch with him fast asleep! She got a milkshake and toast with a fried egg and I got a very tasty panini. When she had finished she decided that she was still hungry and needed another fried egg and more toast, so while she ate that up I treated myself to a caramel brownie.

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We all had a lovely day out and when we got home we did some lovely coloring together!

Sometimes you have to break down your own barriers to be able to help those around you. I’m working real hard on this.. taking it day by day. I’m not forcing myself to do anything I don’t feel I can as that just puts me back a step.. I’m just trying to be more positive and to ignore those who don’t know my situation and are judging without any knowledge.

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WeeOhana xx